Fat Ninja

I suppose that before I proceed, I should say that I am not a graceful loser when it comes to some things. For example, I can’t stand losing in foosball, and cards are even worse. I have been known to throw a bit of a tantrum when my wife has served me up in foosball. And trust me, watching me lose in cards is not a pretty sight.

When it comes to online gaming, however, I’m a little less uptight about losing. That’s not to say that I enjoy the practice of losing, but I manage to keep my anger and outrage in check, muting it to a mild frustration. This can boil over in some circumstances, particularly when my spawn is being camped, or I’m up against a talentless carpet bomber (i.e. someone who equates spamming an enemy position with grenade rounds with honor and skill). But largely, I do my best to 1) be a good sport, and 2) not detract from anyone else’s good time.

Unfortunately, these tenets are rarely, if ever, upheld by the Xbox Live community at large. There are innumberable people on Xbox Live who are entirely certain of the fact that you suck, and what’s worse, they have very elaborate theories including, but not limited to, the extent to which you suck, the force of vaccuum created by your suck, and the nature of objects that this force attracts. Personally, I don’t understand this need to hurl invectives to further the humiliation of defeat, but then again I’m not a fucking idiot, so there you have it. There’s just no excuse for that kind of behavior. Unless, of course, you have documentation from an accredited professional in the psychiatric field.  

But last night I encountered a most unusual hybrid. This was a very unique sort of imbecile, the likes of which I had never seen. I was waiting for the group I usually play GRAW with to finish up some clan matches, and decided to just hop into the first game possible to get warmed up. So, I hopped in to a Team Elimination: Sharpshooter match hosted by Blu Jester, a name that turned out to be premonitory, because this man was an assclown of the highest order.

He only played one map: Boneyard. For those not in the know, Boneyard is one of GRAW’s smaller maps. It’s called Boneyard because it’s basically a military junkyard, littered with the carcasses of decommissioned troop transports, steel girders, and decrepit armored vehicles. It’s a close-quarters map that favors run-and-gun style play, and as such, kill counts tend to soar when playing a Sharpshooter match (i.e. unlimited respawns and the most kills within the time limit wins). It is on account of these, in my opinion, deficiencies that I dislike Boneyard. I prefer the slower, methodical approach. I like coordinating movements with team mates and employing tactical advances. Boneyard just does not accomodate this style of play.

At any rate, my first couple of rounds found me fumbling, as I needed to get warmed up. Between that, having my spawn points camped, and the haphazard firing of grenades by my opponents made for a couple of frustrating sessions. But I stuck with it. Over the course of about 10 matches our gracious host, Blu Jester, didn’t change the map once, despite countless requests. We’ll call this action Exhibit C in the people’s case against Blu Jester. Personally I didn’t care. My kill counts were steadily climbing each round, while my own death count was dropping off.

It was around match five that I really started to find my groove and began racking up the kills. My team was still losing, but I was keeping pace with Blu Jester. By match eight I had a better team backing me up, and we started really giving these guys a run for their money. On our tenth match, the one that would prove to be my last one with Blu Jester, my team came away with the win. In addition, I led the boards with 20 kills and five deaths. I was happy with the results, but I was humble. I didn’t talk any shit. I simply readied up for the next match.

That’s when I got the message “You have been disconnected from the server”. My initial reaction was outrage. My gut instinct was that Blu Jester just couldn’t take someone beating not only his team, but his score on the only map he knows how to play. But reason stepped in and suggested that maybe it was just coincidence. Maybe his 360 froze up and crashed the server. So, I found him on my Players list and joined again.

No more than 30 seconds later it said, “You have been ejected”. It turns out that my initial conclusions were right. I had committed the ultimate crime by having the gall to trump our ingracious host. The penance for my transgressions was eternal banishment from Blu Jester’s happy little kingdom. I was apparently too much of a threat to the status quo. Nonetheless, I will set aside my wounded pride and utter contempt, just long enough to extend this honor unto the Tyrant of Xbox Live. Blu Jester, this is for you:

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